America.
England.
Communication between natives of these two countries should be simple, we speak the same language after all.
Well, not quite it would seem.
Not that I want to get into a pissing contest about it, but us Brits spoke the language first. Americans just bastardised it for their own use.
I am joking of course. My dearest and closest friend is American and I would never knowingly say anything to upset or hurt her. Confusing her with my use of the English language is another matter entirely….
Kate and I Skype every fortnight and it has become something that I very much look forward to, especially as I know that I can bemuse her with some of the colloquialisms that come out of my mouth. It’s not just the mockney-cockney rhyming slang that leaves her questioning my sanity, it’s also the way I pronounce things.
I can be sitting there quite happily, recounting a jaunty memory from my youth when Kate interrupts my trip down memory lane mid-flow to ask, ‘What did you just say?’
Here are just a few of the words that Kate claims that I pronounce incorrectly:
- Pasta – apparently it should be ‘paah-sta’
- Zebra – this should be pronounced ‘zeeeebra’ whereas Brits would pronounce this ‘zeb-ra’ as in ‘Debra’
- Bastard – pronounced ‘bas-tard’ not ‘baaaahstaaaard’
- Nasty – apparently you’re not supposed to say ‘naaaaahsty’
- Urinal – pronounced ‘urin-al’ and not ‘u-ri-naal’
- Tuesday – ‘toos-day’ and not ‘tews-day’
- Double Entendre – ‘dubble entendre’ and not ‘dooooblaay entendre’
- Aluminium – this is my absolute favourite. This word should be pronounced ‘alloooominum’ and not ‘all-oo-mi-nee-um’
No, Kate. Just…..no….
So it would appear that my pronunciation of my OWN language needs working on if I am to fit in when I visit the States next year. Not only that, apparently I need to be mindful of which words I use in general conversation.
Number one rule: When in America and someone compliments you on the size of your fanny, DO NOT assume that the person who complimented you is a complete pervert and a total douchebag. Apparently they mean your bottom….
So here is a list of things that I need to be mindful of in every day conversation:
- It’s not a rubbish bin, it’s a trash can
- It’s not a path, it’s a sidewalk
- The boot of my car is a trunk
- The bonnet of my car is a hood
- My pants are not my pants, they are in fact my trousers
- It’s not a handbag, it’s a purse
- A sweet is a desert, not a chocolate bar – apparently that is a candy bar
- If I ask for chips I can expect a bag of crisps
- It’s not a toilet, it’s a bathroom – even if there is no bath…
- If I see a pair of beautiful chickadees, I MUST NOT remark that I have just seen ‘a lovely pair of tits’
- If I compliment a man on his lovely jumper I will have insulted him by saying that he’s wearing a dress.
- Gas is something you put in your car and not your cooker/central heating
- A garden is a yard, which is also a unit of measurement
- An ass is a bottom and not another name for a donkey
- American football is played mainly with ones hands, yet called FOOTball…..
- Traditional football is soccer
- Cricket is an insect and not a game between two teams of eleven men, some bits of wood and a very hard ball
- If I ask for tea I will get a cup of it and not a mid-afternoon meal
- Women’s shoes can be called heels, pumps or flats. Heels are at the rear end of your feet, pumps spray water etc. and flats are something that a British person can live in
- One does not write ‘to’ someone. Apparently, you can forgo the ‘to’ and just write someone
- A bill is a check. Heaven knows what a check is called (and we spell it ‘cheque’)
- There is no ‘u’ after ‘o’. EVER (i.e. humour/humor; favourite/favorite; honour/honor etc.)
- Americans NEVER take part in any sports in which there can be no winner
- A beef burger is called a hamburger, even though it is made with beef and not pork
- I can call anyone a ‘wanker’ because apparently it has no meaning in the States.
As if the thought of my cross-cultural blunderings isn’t enough to make you cower with fear, be aware that I will be packing my bags and visiting the wonderful Kate Loveton next August. Perhaps I should print my handy guide and keep it on my pocket for the duration of the trip so that I am less likely to be beaten/arrested/deported from the wonderful shores of the United States of America.
So if you see a blundering, pasty white British buffoon walking along with a harangued American, come and say hi to Kate and I and I’ll do my best not to offend you.
Be afraid, America. Be very afraid.
Heather B Costa is coming to get you….
And the windshield is the wind screen!
See how confusing this all is?! 🙂
Thanks for commenting! ❤
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My sister moved to America years ago, and at first ,when she wrote home , she wrote things like “I went for a walk on the sidewalk (pavement) or garbage (rubbish). One of the earlier Daily Prompts on WordPress was to write a letter to the New York Times and my blog was about the differences between our ‘English’ words. One I moan about is Maths and their Math. As the subject is Mathematics covering several forms it should be plural. Really enjoyed your blog.
Oh, I just had a huge chuckle over your comment. Several weeks ago, I actually brought the ‘maths’ matter up in a Skype session with Heather! To Americans, it is always rather jarring to hear an English person say they are studying maths (plural). In the US, we consider the singular word ‘math’ to cover all forms of mathematics. Even so, I think the English have the right idea. I’m not certain why we pluralize mathematics and yet use the singular version of math. Strange, isn’t it? 🙂
It’s an Americanism of epic proportions isn’t it? 🙂
I think that, if we were sit down and try to apply logic to the differences between British English and American English, we would likely drive ourselves mad…. 🙂
Thanks so much for commenting, I am delighted to hear that you enjoyed my post as it was a lot of fun to write and written with a lot of affection for Kate and all American folks who read our blogs.
I still don’t get the math/maths thing either! 🙂
I want to thank my dear pal, Heather B. Costa, for stepping into the breech the week I was away and writing such a jolly good post! Well done, Heather! I must admit, I had a few tears of laughter as I read this post. It was entertaining and very much spot on. Thank you! ❤
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Haha Heather. Let’s see how well you do in the US 🙂
Us Canadians are kind of in between you Brits and the Americans with language. We spell the same way (colour, not color), but pants are not our knickers, but our ‘trousers’. 🙂
I think you and Kate will have a blast together.
🙂
Thanks Staci! I think I need to print my own guide off when I go visit Kate next year. I think I might forget all of these differences otherwise! 🙂
Haha. I’m sure she’ll keep you on your toes too.
🙂
She’s going to do a zebra dance with me when I get there. She doesn’t know it yet though…. 🙂
Hahaha. I’m sure she’ll like that.
🙂
I wouldn’t bet on it…. 🙂
This is an awesome post! … erm… I mean, this is jolly good post. Us Brits know when to use our hyperbole too, don’t we? 😉
Yep, we sure do! 🙂
You bloody well do! 😀
I would consider moving to England so that I could say ‘bloody.’ Why? I don’t know… I just bloody well like it!
You could have a bloody good time doing that too! 🙂
Cos it’s bloody-well brilliant, that’s why.
Other Australian/English confusion includes thongs (footwear vs underwear) and Durex (sticky tape vs condoms) – does this confusion extend to the States? By the way, an Australian friend living in America also tells me the term “fortnight” does not work in the States.
Oh wow, thongs and Durex have very different meanings in England! 😆
I’m not sure about the ‘fortnight’ thing though, I’ll have to ask Kate when we Skype this weekend! 🙂
My first time in London was 1978. The employment agency sent me to be a receptionist at a family planning clinic. I was fresh off the plane. You can imagine my confusion when one of the clients said, “I don’t want this Durex, my husband won’t use it”. teehee
We do not use the term ‘fortnight’ in the US… unless we’re reading ‘Jane Eyre’ or ‘Wuthering Heights’ – it would seem old fashioned. 😀 Actually, I wonder if the average American on the street would know what the term means. We would say ‘two weeks.’
Heather hasn’t even covered the differences in punctuation! Oh my! 😀 I have to say, that I think the punctuation as used by the English more sensible.
Don’t get me started on punctuation!
My post would have been even longer had I tackled punctuation, grammar etc. as well…. 🙂
It would have taken you a ‘fortnight’ to write it! (grin)
So true! 🙂
That was such a cute post! With a British hubby, it hit very close to home! I loved it! Thank you for that!
You’re very welcome! ❤
I just hope I didn't offend anyone with my post….. 🙂
And then there is Australian English….! That’s a great list to keep in mind. Is elevator the American English for elevator? In Australia it’s a lift!
Us brits call an elevator a lift too.
Yep, elevator is the American English word for a ‘lift’. It’s confusing just trying to keep up isn’t it? 🙂
Reblogged this on Trials of a wanna-be-published writer and commented:
Kate Loveton rather foolishly left me in charge of her blog this week and this is the end result of what happens when you let a highly-caffeinated, smut-inclined Brit loose on your unsuspecting blog readership….
Great post, Heather 😀
Thanks Cathy, I’m glad you enjoyed it! ❤
This is great! In the story I’m main character is from England. (specifically 1940s) And since I’m American, this will be good stuff to keep in mind!
Well, feel free to ask if you need any guidance on what kind of language would have been used back then. I’d be happy to help 🙂
Thank you. It’s just her I have to worry about. She ends up in a time warped island, don’t think she’s even in London at all in the story. Thanks though, I’ll keep you in mind:)
No worries 🙂
You mean if you invited me for tea, Heather B., I would get a whole freaking meal?!
Your way beats our way on that one, for sure!
Would I be able to wander way down near Kate’s come next August, I wonder? 🙂
Yep Mark, if you asked for tea you would likely be offered a whole meal! 🙂
It would be great if Kate and I could meet up with you when I’m over in the States next year!
Mark, we have Baltimore (an Orioles game, of course), Washington DC and New York on the agenda for August… if you’re in the area. 🙂
When you have the specific dates, let me know, and I’ll see if I can swing down for a day. 🙂
🙂
🙂
This is funny and entertaining, and you both must be sooooo excited. What a wonderful opportunity to share our differences and celebrate. ❤
I’m giddy with excitement at the prospect of spending the week with the lovely Kate. I just hope I don’t inadvertently offend anyone while I’m in the States! 🙂
I very much doubt it. Now if you were to come to Canada, well…you know we spell the same for starters. 😀 😀
I’ve always been drawn to Canada, and now I know why: we spell things the same way. Surely our two nations can’t be wrong, can they? 🙂
Nope. We’re sort of attached by the queen. 😮
She must have super-long arms to reach across the Atlantic like that then! 😉
😀 😀
And Kate is very much looking forward to the arrival of her British friend. I am considering taking English as a second language to prepare… 😀
LOL! I’ll do the same by taking American English as a second language! 🙂
Lovely post…bringing us together. 🙂 You can catch a trolley in San Francisco, but you will only find shopping carts in our stores. Squash is a vegetable, not a drink. Gee, don’t get me started.
The list just goes on and on, doesn’t it? 🙂
I think Kate and I spend so long Skyping because we very rarely understand what the other is saying half the time….. 🙂
Isn’t squash a game? 😀
Yep, it’s that as well! 🙂
Does it involve tossing around a vegetable?
It might…. 🙂
You know the Word Mafia loves this, esp as a former linguistics major. Very fun. I linked to you in the post on shame/guilt . =)
Thanks! ❤
Its amazing how one language can have so many different forms or dialects. That’s the power of language and culture
I totally agree! 🙂
Even in Britain, we all speak English, yet there are so many different forms of the same language with words only used in certain areas of the county that the rest of us don’t really understand. I’m having a hard time keeping up with it all! 🙂
My son is marred to an Italian New Yorker, living in Florida, who frequently fails to understand very much of what I say.
Some years ago, we were ‘riding the elevator’ to the top of the Empire State Building, talking with a man who sounded like a stand-in for one of the Sopranos. In the conversation, he said, “Youse guys from England or summat?” (I think). When I replied in the affirmative, he said, “Thought so, cos youse sure talk funny.”
Cheek!
LOL, I know, Keith, especially when we spoke the language first! 🙂
There are so many differences between English and American English that it is often very hard to keep up with it all without actually inadvertently offending anyone! 🙂
Funny and spot on!
Thank you, I’m glad that you enjoyed it! 🙂